paradisa | (Written)

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tylendel frelennye

(Written)

I haven't used my magic is sometime. I have to admit it's more painful than I imagined. (He likens it to moving a limb after an injury has mostly healed. It's safe to use his powers and he won't injure himself further if he's careful, but there's that deep-seated soreness that never goes away.) Vanyel has told me that there are other magic users around. If you have experience in being injured by magic, I would like to speak to you. I'm curious how you deal with the discomfort.

(Until he gets better answers, he is going to suck it up and bear it.)

Also, is it possible to wish for pets? Nothing too big, of course. I don't want it crowding Van out of the room. (Can you sense the amusement behind those words? He thinks the image is a little funny.) And maybe something that likes music?

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

Injured in what way, exactly?

Inside. The channels my magic flows through are raw.

How long has it been since you were injured?

It happened...right before I arrived in Paradisa. I thought it would heal with my other injures, but...it didn't.

Perhaps it simply needs more time than you are giving it.

If I don't use my Gifts, I won't feel like myself. I won't feel like I'm helping anyone.

It likely does not help anyone to make yourself worse in the process. I do not suppose you can see to a healer for this affliction?

Unless they're a Healer like the ones at the Collegium, no. (Even they had their limits where this was concerned.) I've done something like this to myself before; it just hasn't ever been this bad.

Edited 2013-09-04 07:17 (UTC)

There are a few in our number that can heal, though I cannote speak for magical maladies, but quite a bit varies from world to world in how magic functions and interacts with those whom channel it. There is no guarantee any of us could help you. My own experience with such a thing required the intervention of trained healers, and there was never any pain, exactly, even afterwards. What is it that you did?

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'Lendel, if you had such worries, why did you not bring them to me?

_{[ If anyone knew about magical injury, it was Vanyel, and a part of him was hurt that Tylendel had not brought this up to him in private first rather than going right to Paradisa at large. But that was just him being selfish, wasn't it? ]}

(There's a very good reason he didn't bring it to Van: he didn't want to make his lover relive that horrible night anymore. That was the night he felt so much pain that he was driven into madness; that was the night he wants to pretend never happened. If he can focus instead on healing, perhaps he can be better for himself and for Van.)

You've done so much for me.

I am your life-bonded. There is not 'to much' I can do for you, Tylendel.

_{[ And that was more truth than the other knew. Oh, Vanyel was aware
that he needed to curb some of his encouragement, because it was that blind
love and faith that had brought them to that terrible night, the terrible
mistakes. As much as he wanted to blame Tylendel for what happened, he had
come to realize he had played his own part, however unwittingly. It helped
to make him a cautious man, among other things. ]}

Has your magic been hurting you? In what way? Are your channels merely sore or is it something more?

Point taken, but that night...

I don't want you to have to remember it in any capacity.

(Without a Companion, Tylendel lacks some of the healing capability he had before. There's a big hole in his heart and in his head and in his Gifts. Nothing ties them together anymore and all of his channels are raw to the point of burning.)

There's a hole, Van. My channels hurt, yes, but the place she used to be is empty.

Love, I am a grown man and I have had many years to come to terms with what happened. You do not have to shield me. I prefer you do not, actually.

_{[ It was, perhaps, the one thing that had begun to grate in his time
with Tylendel here. It did not make him love the other less, of course, he
could never love him less.}

But he had the feeling Tylendel was treating him like the young Vanyel, the lost Vanyel who had been displaced and confused. He was no longer that young man, but he also had to acknowledge Tylendel had not been around in the decades that had formed him into what he was either.

However, it was a conversation for another time. The focus here was Tylendel and his magic, and he found himself wishing for his Talyedras teachers. They could have handled this better than he could. But he had some experience, his own raw even to this day. He hoped it would be enough. ]

Perhaps we should start small then. I... I cannot imagine the loss of her, 'Lendel. But I can help, I think. When I first gained my magic I was very raw too. I still am with certain kinds. What have you been trying?

(Years. That word causes him to pause and he, perhaps for the first time, comes to grips with how long it has been for Vanyel. Why is he protecting him like it was only yesterday? Or maybe he is trying to protect himself? He loves Vanyel and he always will, but discussing that night with him makes him feel...so ashamed. It's like he has been stripped bare - even his pride has been taken from him.

He isn't even a Herald anymore.)

You are grown. (He's glad this is written, otherwise he would sound quite choked.) You're much stronger than I am. (And a full Herald.) It wasn't just about losing her - though that was enough. Everything I worked for before then was lost too. I can't be a Herald, Van. I can't help people like I always imagined I would.

Maybe I'm trying to push myself too hard to do magic, but I have to. I have to see that I can help; that I can be strong again. I don't give a damn if I never earn whites or - (Bond with another Companion.) It wasn't ever about that.

All of my powers seem...so destructive. I tried to hear Yfandes's thoughts... But it was like I was going deaf. Her voice was loud one minute and then I could barely hear her the next and when I concentrated, I felt like the channel for that Gift was being hit with a hot poker.

_{[ It hurt him more than he could say to read those words. He could
feel the pain behind them, both on the page and through their bond. It was
a soft ache in his soul, and he touched his chest where it hurt.}

Oh, his 'Lendel. How could he have come to be so lost, like Vanyel had been? The positions being reversed was not a thing he would have wished, but it was how it was. He had to be the rock now, and he swore he would measure up to that, be what his lover needed (and not what he wanted lest they end up where they had been). ]

But you can still help people, Tylendel. Being a Herald did not make you a better person. You were already a good person, someone who helped others, you simply had a gift to go along with that goodness.

And... For what it's worth, you were posthumously given your Whites. You made a mistake, but it did not make you less of. Herald. It still doesn't.

I...what? (That last bit of news throws him completely off-guard. He stares at his journal, making sure he is reading Vanyel's handwriting right.

He received his Whites? After his death?

Tears burn in his eyes and he grips his pen tighter. There is a noticeable blot of ink on the page.)

Van, were you responsible...for that? Or was it Savil...? (Surely someone had stepped in to ensure...?)