paradisa | Forty Third Sip

And you really think I would do that without telling you or Helen first? And thank God that you apologized, at least your duddy old Victorian manners are good for something around here.

[And oh, oh that last statement hurt. Tesla bristles at the other end of the journal, and when he speaks, his words are laced with malice. It's one thing to insult him about his attitude towards others, because really, like he'll ever change that, but it's quite another to poke at such a sore spot like that.]

You think I'm running, you brainless twit? You think that this is just me being a coward? God, James, like you have a right to judge me, after everything that you've done. [A slight hiss.] I'm not going anywhere. Not from her. But neither am I going to dance the same inane dances you did with Helen. I do this my way, but that doesn't mean you can just step in and tell me what to do about this. And if you think that I'll abandon Maladict, think again.

Oh please Nikola, since when have you ever informed us of anything when it comes to your life in the present day? [Dude do you know how much it hurt to hear you may be dead? That John may have killed you?] And I suggest you learn something about manners yourself.

[Good, it was meant to hurt. Nikola was starting to hit things in him that caused him to snap back. That sore spot was rather obvious after all and made a perfect target. Especially after learning about Helen's little time at home, and then being a child, well, one could say James was feeling clingy almost. Especially when he knew if he was going to see Nikola happy it would be here.

Because he was dead back home and Helen was not sharing things.

So it's snapped back, that passion John called him out on so many times showing. This was not the time to point out his faults. Even if he did need to yell it out at some point.]

Everything that I have done was for a reason, Nikola. I never dropped off the face of the Earth to harm anyone that I knew for long, I did not, attempt to take back the Source blood for my own gains because I wanted to rule the damned world. And do not presume to tell me about the dance I had to play with Helen to even, see her let alone be with her. Unlike you I had to overcome the damage done by John, and years of other issues. The only thing standing between you and your damned happiness with Maladict is you being a spineless coward. [And he's shaking hard in his room, thankful he's in his room and not somewhere public.] But at least you have a bloody damned life to return to even if all you do is run.

That's because I have my reasons. Hey, a dead man should stay a dead man, you know? I didn't make Helen make that funeral for nothing, you know.

[He realizes that he might be touching upon that touchy fact that James was dead in the present day with that statement, but Tesla is so angry at all of this that he just doesn't care anymore. He was hurt, and therefore he should hurt back. An eye for an eye.]

Oh, and you think that I didn't sacrifice anything to drop off the face of the Earth? You all could live happily ever after, but I always had to keep moving, just in case I would turn the corner and there would be a trap with my name for it. I was a wanted man, James, and you and Helen were the golden boy and girl of the troupe. And sue me, my ancestors were about the only ones I could turn to, and they were dead. And really? Getting over years of issues with John? Then how come she flocked to you like a fly to honey? Don't tell me that it was an uphill battle to get her- you were the perfect person to lend an ear to her, and she just happened to think that, hey, you were a really good replacement for John.

[He lets out a cold laugh, though he's already standing by now, leaning against the back wall of the cell with the journal in his hand, trying as hard as he can not to just chuck the thing away.] And who said I wasn't happy? Not everyone needs to marry and share each other's bed to be happy. James, I'm not you, and I never will be. What is happy for you may not be for me. [And another laugh, though this one is much shorter and choked.] Really? Me? I lose who I am, James. Everything that will happen will go against me. Really, and your death is just the icing on the "Let's Make Tesla's Life Hell" cake, you know? Don't think for a moment that my life will be full of rainbows and flowers if I go home, because it won't.

And you know what will hurt the most? [He almost chokes on the next phrase, he's just too emotional.] It's the fact that I won't be with her.

[That? That gets a short bark of laughter. More cold then warm.] Oh I am ever so thankful you cared Nikola, I hope my staff was invited at the very least.

[It does hit home, and he's not pulling back now. Because underneath that anger? There's something like jealousy there.]

Happily ever after? Nikola she left me for five years to go to Egypt with you, she left for Sanctuary business, she walked away from me for her work. The only damned reason she came to me was because I cared. I never tried to look important, I stayed by her, I stood up for her to John. And that's all I was Nikola, a replacement for John. Remember that. She put me aside far more quickly than she would have if she cared, honestly for me. [That may not be true, but it's how he feels at the moment, how some part of him has felt. She turned to him after John so quick but was quick to leave him behind, there's quite a bit of pain with that.]

No but if you did not want that Nikola you would not be arguing as hard as you are now. [And now there's more jealousy evident as he talks, this has bugged him for a while.] You have not talked to Helen have you? You bloody damned fool! Helen bends over backwards for you back home, you get your precious heritage back, discover apparently your entire race is a group of vicious, world conquering racists. And yet you walk away, happy as ever, because your Nikola Tesla and, the world apparently appreciates you more than it ever cared about me. [And he's fighting back something like a choked laugh himself, because this hurts.] You saw it, Helen had to have seen it, what my suit was doing, how it was failing. But instead the attention was drawn to saving the world, with no question of my, fragile mortality at the time, no concern, no fear, no question if I would live through that. To see the brightest minds, to see your, best friends, ignore that? It hurts more than you realize Nikola. Then to learn, that it does nothing more than lead to the death of the girl I saw as my daughter? Even if I lived Nikola, I have no life, I lost what bit of family I had with that, and it was my fault for not seeing it sooner.

[And he sounds almost tired here as he says this.] And do you know what the thing is with you know being with her? You have, here, Nikola with someone you honestly care for, and even if you were taken home or somehow to that limbo we saw in Paris, you have a chance at a family. You return home, you have a future, and apparently enough of one I imagine to cause hell as you so like too.

You have a future Nikola, and I imagine whether it is here, or home or somewhere else, you will have one of them with you. I have nothing, Nikola, so I apologize for trying to make sure you realize that you are more fortunate than, any of us. Than Helen or myself or even Henry.

I'm sorry I actually care.

I don't know, ask Helen, I was more concerned about my life than attending my own funeral, sorry.

[His tone is sharp, like a knife, and he knows it. Tesla has always known it. Because unlike the popular nursing rhyme, words break bones just as much as sticks and stones do. But emotional ones.]

That's why I said it, James. You were a replacement. Nothing else. You were her emotional crutch after John left. [But his tone does sound a bit more understanding at that last part, though still laced with malice. He knew how it felt to not be paid attention to.] We all were.

[But what he says next surprises him a bit. No, Helen hadn't told him about that. This is news.] She does? I...I didn't know. [He got his ancestors back? His privilege? But...how?] And God, James, how were we supposed to know? How were we supposed to know whether your suit would fail that day, not in the next three days, or in the next year. It's not like we had a calendar that said "Oh, here, this is when James is going to sprout daises, let us make plans accordingly" We weren't ignoring it, we just didn't know what to do. [And his voice is barely a mumble.] You would have had us.

[And then back to his normal tone of voice, though, like James, he just sounds like it's taking all his energy to speak. This is the tone of a broken man who's been spending his life trying to do whatever he can not to break further.] I've never been the family type, James, you know that. And besides, you have a future here. You don't realize that? That maybe you should actually take this second chance at living and make the most of it instead of worrying about others? For God's sake, James, maybe you should make yourself your own business in a while instead of focusing on everyone elses'.

[And a dry laugh.] Me? More fortunate than Helen or Henry? You have too much confidence in me, James. I've never been fortunate. My patents were stolen, I was labelled a fraud, Edison gets lionized in the textbooks while no one barely remembers my name...you think that my life is perfect, James? You think that I'm perfect? Well, sorry to say that isn't the case.

[And a sigh.] And I'm sorry that I thought you were someone I could rely on who could understand that maybe, what I'm doing is something that I want. That maybe I don't want to rush into things because I don't want to ruin everything like so many things have done before.

I'm savoring the moment, James. The question is, are you? Or are you going to spend your remaining breath too caught up in the details to at least be grateful for what you have now?

Oh and thank you for reminding me that I did attend that, I presume I couldn't ask for the same courtesy?

[His tone is just as sharp back, because he knew the power of words. They were his best weapon after all, second to his mind. And with the two of them? They knew precisely where to hit, which made this all the more difficult.]

And the only reason why, Nikola, is because I'm the least likely to turn on her. [He hears that malice, doesn't care. Nikola has a history after all, and James had his own to prove that. He had stayed by her side the entire time.] Yes we were, but none were, more foolish than I to be that. I suppose the only benefit was that at least she stayed in touch, even if it was only for work. [Which is better than he can say for the others.]

She does. You save the bloody damned world from a vampiric uprising as well. [Racist vampires Nikola, honestly, just don't question things.] Pure vampire blood, Nikola, from a living vampire. It brought back your vampiric traits, after all it is what the Source blood was, what made us, us. [And he sounds biter as he gets back onto the topic of his death. There's a lot of feelings tied up in that.] You never, asked, Nikola. You went on back to posturing with John, and I know you saw it. [Just a question, some sort of acknowledgement? Would have done wonders fo rhim.] And, unfortunately, no I wouldn't have, better to die when I did I suppose. At least I had you then. [Which is a blessing, he just may not admit it. Dying alone was, something he did not want, he's glad they were there really.]

No, you have not Nikola but there is something to be said for enjoying the company of the person you are, attached to. To, show that you care, in a significant way. [He's sounding even more tired as he talks. This is draining for him, he doesn't do emotional talks, share his feelings. Not like this at least. Though that idea, that he should focus on himself? He has to shake his head, it's not like him.] And what should I do with that, Nikola? What I have here is temporary, it always will be. Most of those that would care what happen to me know that I return home to die, they do not need that burden of even more emotion on top of that. Unlike you I care enough to know what my leaving, will do to others.

[A laugh back, more like a tired chuckle.] You have life Nikola. You have, the ability to change the world if you would get off of your damned high horse to prove yourself to the world at large, to history, to myself to Helen, to others. You could do good if you would just get over that need to show off. Who cares who came up with it? You changed the world Nikola, your life is more perfect than a man who inspired a fictional character and was kept alive by a machine.

And you can, savor life, all you like Nikola, but perhaps here, it is more needed to rush a little more. When the possiblity of leaving here, or losing someone, can happen at any moment, do you want those regrets?

[And a sigh.] I can be grateful Nikola, I am for what I have. But there is more, to perhaps looking for more than just wanting to be selfish. I would rather care about you, so that if I leave, when I leave more than likely, at least I did a bit of good. Can you say the same? What sort of impact would you leave if you left?

I've never liked funerals, honestly.

What, and when did I ever turn on her? [The only time had been in Rome, he thinks, but in his mind, he had just been angry. He was never going to kill her. And then John had to show up and ruin everything.] And in the end, I guess Helen is always going to choose her work over others, isn't she?

What, really? Me? And here I would think that I would be behind that vampire uprising. [He sounds almost curious now- the sparks are lighting in his brain, just thinking about what really happened.] But where in the world did we discover Source Blood? I thought there wasn't anything of it left. [And then back to resigned.] Posturing? Only because John was hovering around Helen like a homicidal humming bird, and...no, I noticed. But getting the Source Blood was the key goal. I didn't know it would fail before we got out. And of course you had me. Because...honestly, James, you dying wasn't something I ever wanted to see.

So? Every time I've showed I've cared, I've been shot down. Only now do I have a person who knows I care and I don't need to give her Valentine's Day cards or flowers to show it. [And he lets out a scoff.] Never knew you to be so incredibly pessimistic, James. How long have you been here, again? I mean, really, what does sitting back and thinking about "Oh god, I'm going to die, oh, what a cruel world lies in wait for me" do for you? Nothing, that's what. So, sit back and relax and stop trying to rain on your own parade, James. It might do you some good.

[He shakes his head, even though James can't see it.] I did change the world. And nobody even thanked me. Back then, I tried to prove myself. I wanted to help the world. But what did the world do to me? It spat in my face, James. Even a little attention is enough for me, nowadays. Your character is beloved by all, and my "character" is just that weird scientist who loved pigeons too much for his own good. What good will proving myself do if the world isn't ready to accept me for who I am? Or am I always doomed to just be the stereotype of the mad scientist forever?

[That next statement, though, produces a tight feeling in his chest. What if he woke up and Maladict was gone? What then? Should he take the bull by the horns, marry Maladict, enjoy life in the castle for as long as it took before his inevitable return? Or should he continue what he's doing, just take it slowly, enjoying inch by inch? It takes a moment before he answers, sadly.] No, I don't.

[A sigh.] Being selfish isn't a deadly sin, James. Being a martyr isn't always looked kindly upon. No one is asking you to be me, you know. I'm just asking you to look after yourself once in a while. [And he pauses, thinking about that.] I made an impact on Maladict. I don't know about others. But...I don't know. Is it really so simple as just "doing good"? Are good people remembered so often in real life? I mean, I made an impact. I know it. But really, I don't care anymore if it was good or not. An impact is an impact. And I'll take it the way it is.

Yours was memorable if it means anything to you.

Rome. As far as I know, that is the one example I can think of. But, leaving for New York Nikola? Hiding for years with no word? [That was as much a betrayal as anything else.] And of course she is, look at Gregory. The only reason she even thought of me was because I was involved in her work. [Bitter, very bitter at that part.]

Oh please Nikola finding your ancestors, living vampires Nikola. [It's more like his usual self now, more "what are you thinking? Use that brain?" less bitter.] The Source Blood is pure sanguine vampiris blood, she took a sample, gave it to you, I presume. [And back to tired, slightly bitter. He may have walked out of that chamber on good terms with John but there were still things.] And you were more worried about John upstaging you, and vice versa than in perhaps wondering if something was wrong. I could have told you that, Nikola, no one asked. [And it makes him wonder when he became the invisible one in the group when Nigel left. Probably somewhere between when Nikola thought to fight for Helen and John regained his senses, and he became to physically fragile to fight for her in his usual way.] Of course the Source Blood was important, why do you think I never mentioned it? Mentioned how hard it was to breath down there, to walk, to go on with the rest of you? To lean on John of all people? [Make him swallow his pride.] Nikola, if I had died, at any other time you would have been unaware of it, hidden away somewhere out of reach, I would have died with my staff, no one else there. Suppose that would not have been so bad after all.

And that was because, Nikola your advances are barely sincere. Or when they are you turn around and do something that, invalidates that. Or you infuriate her. The person you have here, is more like you, can see through it all to the rather young man I remember meeting all those years ago, even if he is lacking facial hair. [That gets a warm chuckle before he sighs.] I don't think about dying Nikola, it gets me no where. [Actually he avoids it like the plague as it bothers him.] But sitting and doing nothing get me no where, and it is too much like what I did back home. [Not being able to do anything, or very little with his suit? Do you see what the issue is now?]

And that is the difference between you and I, Nikola. I never looked for, attention. I looked for ways to change the world, I didn't need recognition and if you were to just, not need that. To just, do what you want without fear of what others would think, to just do it to better mankind, you would be better remembered. And for my character? He's a drug addled genius with enough problems that he is hardly even me, Nikola, and is also a reminder of a time in my life I would rather forget. Which is better? The drug addled detective or the mad scientist?

[And that's what he wants, him to feel. To feel that fear that something could go wrong, that he could lose Maladict. He doesn't want Nikola to feel that, in fact all he wants is him to enjoy what time he has with her happily.] Then don't be like me, Nikola, enjoy it. Leave no regrets, on either side, life's too short, even for an immortal here.

Being selfish is the one thing I can hardly do. [In all reality it's something he just hasn't thought about, he's used to being selfless, being selfish is, an entirely different thing.] And I would rather not be you with that hair of yours, honestly man. [A little levity, to show he understands the point, trying to get back to how they were.] And if I could, look after myself I do believe Helen would be bored, don't you? [Because whose messes would she clean up or who would save her hide?] Doing good is entirely subjective. If all you want to do is something good for yourself, to cause trouble, to take over the world, and it is good to you than it is a good impact. So yes an impact is an impact, Nikola, just remember that. There will, always be those who will miss you for it, and those are the important ones, wouldn't you agree?

I would thank you to mind what you say in public forum. [ Her tone is sharp, and as angry as she sounds at them (because she is) she's also hurt. And it's telling. And to hear that they think that of her, particularly James? It's downright cruel ]

O good, I'm glad one of us told them. I was waiting to see how far their could put their collective feet in it.

[Yup, she sounds annoyed. You in trouble, boys]

Just so you know, fellas, in case you're not paying attention to Helen's tone, women really don’t find it attractive when men talk about them like their worlds revolve around who they are or are not interested in. And they find it even less attractive when they’re compared to one another like which is the best goldish to win at the fair. Little FYI there.

[ Had Helen not already closed her journal she may have liked that. You go, Mal ]

[It's bad enough Helen got on them but you Mal?

Any of that apologetic tone he had with Helen is gone replaced with, something like hurt, anger at this. He had been stupid to not filter this, but then to have it rubbed in his face?

Girls just don't start making him feel more miserable than he's already starting to feel.]

I can already tell that Maladict, no need to reiterate the point. [No he's not happy.] Though that was hardly the point being made. [The real point was they were actually getting along and were too stupid to filter.] So before you, start sounding so superior, I suggest you stop, now. [His tone makes it rather clear this is one thing he doesn't want to touch. It's one thing to say his feelings to Nikola, another to explain it to Mal.

And quite another to Helen.]

[Maladict doesn't sound apologetic at all. She doesn't do apologising at the best of times, but that conversation hit her rawest nerve, the one thing she could not, and would not tolerate. Someone else trying to decide her future for her]

Don't confuse anger with superiority, James. That would be a very stupid mistake.

[Her tone is angry, and betrayed, and underlying it all a touch of hurt. That once again she was reminded she would never measure up to the heights Helen had been place in Nikola's eyes. But the betrayal hits her the hardest, after everything that happened in Peace Patrol, she had had her fill of being disappointed in people she cared about]

I thought you were both better than that. More fool me.

As if today has proven I can make, intelligent decisions when it comes to my and others emotions. So I do apologize in advance for any more stupid things I may say.

[So the angers gone as he realizes how much he hurt her too, and he's just turning it back on himself. He doesn't want Mal to have to measure up to Helen, that's not how this works, not how it's supposed to be. So he's sounding rather, bitter as he talks not at her but more at himself and Nikola...

And when did he feel the need to vent at Nikola of all people?]

As did I, so don't feel as if you are alone in that regard. Apparently I was a fool to start with. [But, now he knows things aren't going to go well so he just sighs.] I'm sorry Mal, between anger and bitterness and, I'm just sorry. [It's not a lot, but he hopes it's a start.]

Good, so you should.

[She's quiet for a while. Seething a little, still. Old issues brought up which sting]

Fine. Just don't think you can presume you can map out my future for me ever again. What I do with my life is my decision, no one else's. I had to run away and fight in a war to gain that right, I won't have anyone take it away from me, good intentioned or not.

If he ever does decide to ask me, it will be my choice if I agree or not.[Her tone suggests it is going very much in the 'or not' category right now. The Helen stuff hurt a lot more than she's willing to let on to James]

[He writes in a filter here before going on.\

I was not suggesting any sort of control over your future. You have as much a say in this as anyone, even more so as it is your life. And if you got the impression I was out to control your future or Helen's than I do apologize. All I will say is be thankful you have a future to give a damn about, and are worried others will try to control.

[Chew on that some Mal, James is just going to go and brood over things now, but the journals open still.]

I've lived long enough without a future to know what it's like, James. The brooding thing won't work on me. Nice try though.

Go cool yourself off, have a cuppa or something and bear in mind you have one HERE.

[He's ignoring that well, for the most part. Would you people stop making him think about a future he has here? Because he knows how depressing him leaving here could be if he considers that :/]

Again, I, do apologize Maladict, I didn't mean, to imply anything.

[No. NEVER]

Yeah. Well. I guess I can forgive you. You didn't know. [Unlike Nikola :|]

[You all suck :|]

Thank you Maladict. And if there is, anything I can do...

Yeah, punch Nikola repeatedly.

[...Is she joking or not. Hard to tell]

I will keep that in mind.

[He's not really, he's tempted if he can.]

Though there is always the possibility of just pinning him against a wall on a spike I suppose to make that an easier possibility.

[James don't think about physically harming your friend, just don't.]

James

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Maladict...

[OH GOD oh god now all the realization is just hitting him like a train. He tries to backtrack, tries to think about what exactly he said that peeved her off, but then he realizes that maybe the entire conversation was enough.]

[He sounds incredibly emotionally drained, and just a tad bit imploring, because he can tell just by the tone of Maladict's voice that this will not be something he will be forgiven for so quickly.]

Maladict, I...

[God, he doesn't even know what to say.]

[She throws up the filter because she is not going to air her issues publicly, oh no. There has been quite enough of that, thank you very much. She's certainly angry. And hurt]

You know what I went through back home, what would even posses you to think you could talk like that? As if you had some sort of rights over my future?

[She's quiet a moment, almost considering not continuing. But no. She's annoyed and it upset her. Probably more than she's willing to admit]

And though I'm painfully aware I'm just a consolation prize, and will never achieve the heights of the great Helen Magnus in your eyes, I would appreciate it not being stated right where I can see it. Could you at least try to be discreet about it?

[Oh shit. They forgot to filter this entire thing...and he said some things...and this?

He's just going to go and hide in his room now :/]

Helen, [Because he hears all of it, and he can guess how she's feeling, how he would feel if he had heard this. He hadn't meant it to be cruel, far from it, but...] I'm, [Sorry for venting my frustrations at my only other long term friend? Sorry for thinking you heartless? Sorry for still loving you and wishing I knew if you felt the same?] sorry. I, didn't consider this, taking the turn it did and, just, I'm sorry. [He sounds it, more so apologetic than tired (but he sounds that too).]

Forty Third Sip

JUST PRETEND THIS ICON IS NORMAL!NIKOLA asdfghgfdsdf

JUST IGNORE JOHN IN THE ICON IT'S THE BEST I'VE GOT

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