First Mission ⊕ Do you want ants? Because THAT'S how you get ants. [Accidentally Dictated]

[fairlyclassichim]

[Sterling Archer, international spy, is suction-cupped to the outside of the 30th story of a skyscraper. His colleague is careening down to her death, having slipped mere seconds ago.]

AAAAAAARRRRRCCCCHHHHHHEEEEEEERRRRRRRRR!

I'M COOOOOOMMMMMMMIIIIIIINNNNNGGGG!

Phrasing! Oof!

[Archer launches off the building into a backwards swan dive and freefalls after her in hot pursuit.]

LAAAAAAANNNNNNNNAAAAAAAAA! WOOOOO HOOO HOOOO-HOOOOO!

[He passes her and turns mid-air, ready to grab on to the building again and catch her.

Instead, he comes to a sudden stop as he crashes down... on top of a dude... in some kind of bright turquoise body armor... in a strange kitchen he's never seen before in his life. The force of the fall slams them both into the counter, sending food flying everywhere as they both skid to a rough stop against the cabinets.]

WHAT THE SHIT? Where the hell am I? LANA!

Comments

[babyaliendaddy]

Mother fucking Ceiling Guy, this is blue-green. And frankly, I'd rather be butt-up to Donut then the guy who lands on someone else and doesn't even apologize. Fucking rude, man. Fucking. Rude.

[There was a moment of confusion, before Tucker caught up to the conversation.] This shit is Freelancer Team Suckit Director brand, which means it's awesome. And I'm Blue - scratch that. Yeah, special 'ops', more or less. I don't know what the hell ODIN is, though. I'm a member of the USMC.

Dude, I only wish these were drugs. I think a guy who fell through a ceiling into another fucking dimension might wanna have a more open mind.

[fairlyclassichim]

[Archer blinked and shook his head. What. The. Shit.]

You're a marine? From when, the year 5000? And what the fuck is project freelancer?

Oh right, I'm sorry. You'll have to forgive me for being a little DISCOMBOBULATED and FORGETTING MY MANNER-

Wait, what do you mean, another fucking dimension?

[babyaliendaddy]

No. Wait. Sorry, it's the UNSC. My bad. I'm always getting that backwards. And Project Freelancer is where they created the Freelancers, who are a bunch of bugfuck crazy motherfucking terrorist unit built by the Director.

[A roll of the eyes.] Yeah dude, seriously, how often do you crash into medieval kitchens, anyways?

[fairlyclassichim]

I literally understood none of what you just said, but they sound like assholes.

I- [He pauses and looks around.]

Well, never, obviously. This is really a castle?

[babyaliendaddy]

Fffft, try living it, dude. Trust me, it gets a lot more fucking confusing.

[Tucker waited for the guy to figure out while he tried to get the mayo off his armor.]

Yeah, this is really a fucking castle. Why would I lie about that?

[fairlyclassichim]

I - Jesus, I didn't say you were lying. I'm just having a hard time with the logic of the situation. Where is this, Europe or something? I could have sworn I was in New York a minute ago.

[babyaliendaddy]

Huh. Well, that's fine. Now if you apologize for landing on me, we'll be cool.

[He shook his head.] I wish, man. At least European chicks are easy. This is Paradisa.

[fairlyclassichim]

To be fair, it's not like that was remotely in my control, but... I'm sorry you happened to be standing where I happened to land? [That's about as much of an apology as anyone will ever get from Archer.]

And don't I know it. Paradisa, huh? I... actually... have no idea where that is. How the fuck do I get out of here? I was kind of in the middle of something.

[babyaliendaddy]

...well it's better than nothing. [Meaning the apology, after all.]

Paradisa, yep. And you don't leave. It just sort of ... sends you home or turns you into a dog, whatever. It's weird.

[fairlyclassichim]

Yeah no shit, I'm getting that vibe. How the fuck does a castle turn a person into a dog? Next you're going to tell me it's magic, right?

[babyaliendaddy]

You fell from a fucking ceiling into a goddamned kitchen. What the fuck do you think it was? And if you say transporter - then I already went there, dude.

[fairlyclassichim]

Trans-what? And I DON'T KNOW but my first logical assumption is probably - no, definitely - not a goddamn magic castle. Jesus.

[babyaliendaddy]

Wow, what kind of backwards time period do you come from, dude? [Tucker shrugged.] Trust me, you stay here a week, you start believing all kinds of weird shit.

[fairlyclassichim]

That... is actually a really good question.

[Archer begins rummaging through cabinets and muttering to himself, looking for booze to no avail.]

So... blue guy... any idea where the liquor cabinet is? I don't think I've ever needed a drink more in my life.

[babyaliendaddy]

Dude, trust me, there's an easier way. What's your poison?

[Because Tucker's got a bonafide way to show you the magic, Archer.]

[fairlyclassichim]

Uh... can you mix a decent old fashioned?

[bowchikabowwowtuckerhowdidyoumissthatone]

[babyaliendaddy]

Man, I can mix it anyway you like.

[Please. There's got to be The Moment. Like now.]

... and definitely any way the ladies want it, bow chicka bow wow! Magic castle, bring me an decent old fashioned, dude.

[Poof. Magical drink, right next to the remains of Tucker's sandwich.]

[fairlyclassichim]

[Archer chuckles and picks up the drink, swirling it before taking a sip and giving the glass an incredulous look.]

Surprisingly not bad. Could have maybe used an orange that was a little more ripe, but considering you just pulled that out of thin air, not bad, blue guy.

[He air-toasts Tucker and chugs the rest.]

...Speaking of that, let me get this straight: you just ask the castle for whatever you want and you get it?

[babyaliendaddy]

I work with what I got, fucking ceiling guy.

[Tucker pauses at that question.]

Weeeeeell, there are limits. For example, I can't wish up strippers.

[fairlyclassichim]

[Archer shrugs] I guess that was more directed at the castle if that's what made the drink. Hear that, castle? I'd like another, perhaps with an orange that wasn't picked while it was still green this time.

[The glass magically refills and Archer tastes the new drink, nodding in approval.]

There, was that so hard?

[Holy fuck Archer you are so gonna pay for that one!]

That's a shame about the strippers but surely there has got to be some women here. Please tell me there are women here.

[babyaliendaddy]

[Tucker arched both eyebrows under his helmet. Yeah, this guy would learn pretty fast that the castle didn't like being ... ah ... talked down to. If you could actually talk down to a castle.]

...Alll right, yeah, you keep that up there, dude...

[He nodded his head.]

Oh yeah, plenty of women. Uhm - a lot of them are probably not gonna take to ... getting hit on? Because most of them are armed?

[fairlyclassichim]

[Yeah he's screwed.]

[Archer scoffs.]Please. I'm an international spy, my entire dating pool consists of women who are armed and generally hate getting hit on.

[babyaliendaddy]

[So unbelievably crazy.]

...well then you'll probably be okay then. Huh, weird, that's my dating pool too.

[fairlyclassichim]

Let's hope so. I can put up with a magic castle of unknown fuckery as long as there are booze and women. Probably.

[babyaliendaddy]

Well dude, at least it beats getting shot at every day.