paradisa | 1/001

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wheatley

1/001

[Oh god, now who is this guy? He's new, and he looks pretty mad. He's pacing the lobby like a mad freak. Fists clenched, hair ruffled and glasses broken, he's pretty hard to ignore because of the fact he's yelling out at the top of his lungs. Someone's gotta hear this guy.]

"Hello!? Helloooooo~
I said hello! Ca-can anybody hear me?
This is a joke... this is a joke right?
Someone-Someone want to tell me what's going on?"

[He pauses, and messes up his newly found hair, and then has a minor freakout. There he goes, talking to himself...]

"Ohhh my god, ahaha... oh this is ridiculous. THIS IS ridiculous, truly and utterly ridiculous!
I can't even conceive how ridiculous this is... this... this is like the epitome of ridiculous right here, right here in one place. It's-"

[He turns around, and trips over his footing, knocking over a vase. Oop.]

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[Aradia just nods sympathetically.]

That is what everyone says at first. But it's a pretty big group and some of us have been here upwards of five years. Statistically, your chances of being the sole exception are pretty slim.

"Well it's obvious that you probably weren't associating with a philosophical and analytical genius like me."

[Hehe, nice use of words Wheatley, you're gonna really prove yourself to be a genius now. All you gotta do is get out of here, that cant possibly be that hard... can it?]

"In fact, you know what? I have an idea!

I'd say that it'd prob'ly be a good idea if you stuck with me while I figure out this place and think of a way for us to get out! It's genius really, yeah, hehe... something worthy of my high intellect. You tell me about this place, and I'll get us outta here... It's a win-win situation. Annnnnd a once in a lifetime opportunityyyyy!

Ehhh? Ehhhh? What'd'ya say?"

Uh, okay. I was going to give you the tour anyway, but that works too. [She flutters a few inches into the air, then flies toward the kitchen, motioning for him to follow.]

"Oh? Oh really? Oh that's great, that would be great. Well, great, I appreciate it really. You know, you're probably the only one here I've encountered that's actually been some form of legitimate help. Everyone else either consists of humans or freaks. Awful, awful freaks, some of them beyond the point of no return in the freak meter, a bit sad really."

[He follows her, not really having any other choice.]

[Aradia shoots him an amused glance. Lol Wheatley, you're talking to a psychic-bug-alien-ghost-frog-god-fairy and you think she's not one of the freaks?]

Haha, thanks, I think. Not human yourself? [He looks like one, but then so does the Doctor.]

[That's the irony of it, xD]

"What? No? Nononono... no not ever, never. I don't care what I look like, I am NOT human! I'm something far, well superior actually. I-I am... well, It's funny really. I uh... I'm a uhh, [Cough]...a uh...[Cough, cough] [jbfidjsbfhdbfdsf] "

[He coughs and mutters something, but it cant be understood.]

[Blinks] Hm? What was that?

"Well it's a funny story, really. Actually, you see I, I'm a bit of a... uh... well, I'm called an intelligent [muttered] sphere. One out of many assigned to do different things. Imagine... oh! okay! Imagine a sort of, uhhhh... collection of intelligence put into a tiny robotic ball and then left to assist in managing a vast place, controlling every aspect of that place. A place- a place as large as this castle- no, bigger! Well actually I don't know how big this castle is, really, but the place was probably bigger than that...

and... and I was far more handsome. I-I don't really know the extent of what this body can do, or anything really, but I can tell you, I prefer my life pursuing science, and being well... the best darn core there was."

[Aradia listens politely, waiting for him to breathe so she can get a word in edgewise. Sounds a little like the role of the ghosts here, if the ghosts were robots and talked way too much instead of not at all.]

Okay, so you were a robot. That's cool! I was a robot, too, once. Well, twice. But I guess that answers the question of your loss, while we're at it. The castle turned you into a human.

"A human? Hahaha, nonono. That's ridiculous really. I cant, I.. I can't be turned into a human."

[There goes that panic voice again]

"No, no. The loss must be something else. I can't..."

[He saw himself in another reflection and got startled]

"Can I change it? Maybe? Maybe... maybe it can be something a little more practical, like a memory maybe... or a or a strong dislike for cake... or or... ANYTHIIIIING."

[Reflection in the stainless steel fridge that's big enough to hide a body inside! Since yeah they're probably in the kitchen by now.

Aradia frowns sympathetically.]

Sometimes they change on their own, I think. I've heard of it happening. But to most people they don't, and nobody knows how to get them back on purpose...... Anyway, how would you know if you liked cake to begin with? Robots don't eat.

[A refrigerator! Cleverrr!

Wheatley is absorbed in his reflection, but not in a conceded way. It seems like a bitter shock. He takes off his broken glasses, rubs his face, and makes weird faces.]

"...I..."

[He looks back at her]

"I... well I guess I wouldn't know, love. I, I mean I know what the stuff is, and... well, I know for a fact that the humans love it. Rich... rich chocolate cake... really fluffy. With those lil' strawberries on it. That's always how they wanted it."

Ooh! Cake with strawberries? That's a new one on me. Here, let me see if... [She opens the fridge and peers inside, finally coming up with a piece of cake in a little tupperware container. It's red velvet, even! The best kind of cake at all ever.]

Aha! Here we go. It's not chocolate, but it's... kind of like chocolate? Anyway, I'm sure whoever's it is won't miss it. [Offering him the thing. TAKE THE CAKE, FOOL.]

[He hesitates. OH OKAY. DONT PANIC.]

"...Oh, alright then! Let me just...Let's give this thing... a whirl. Hopefully nothing, nothing bad'll happen eh. I mean, who knows what'll happen."

[He accepts the cake, and sets it on the counter, removes the top and smells it. Oh wow, it smells... strange. He isn't too sure if it's a good thing or a bad thing.]

"...Are... are you sure this is gonna be okay though? You're not, you're not trying to kill me or any bit right?"

[He seems to try to be joking around with her. What a sense a' humor you've got there, Wheatley.]

[Aradia takes it as a semi-legit question.]

Haha, if I was trying to kill you, I wouldn't use cake. Anyway, I don't know whose it is. So if it is poisoned it's not my fault.

[... Hands him a fork as long as she's over here. Then, though, something occurs to her.]

Oh - you know how to eat, right? Or ... have a general idea?

"Eh, oh yeah yeah sure offf course. I've had to see humans eat loads of times. The humans... they just, they just take their meaty little fingers and take the food, and put it into their mouth. I've got this... I've got this... don't worry about me."

[He uses the fork and sticks a small piece of cake in his mouth.]

"..."

[Silence.]

"AGH! ACK... GAH!! HUTHGHH...JFJGGUUHHH..."

[COUGH. COUGH. OH GOD. COUGH. HE'S CHOKING. SHITSHITSHIT. He just flails madly. Guess he doesn't know how to swallow.]

[OH NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO yeah have some flailing from Aradia too. WHAT IS HUMAN FIRST AID...]

Ah! What's wrong? Uh - swallow! No, spit it out!

[in a panic, she slaps him hard on the back. DID THAT WORK 0_0]

"GUHHH!!"

[Oh no. He hacks the bit of cake out, it going flying and hitting the wall.He's just, gasping for air, and then he laughs nervously.]

"...Ah.. ah... woo... well, well that was um, uh... [cough] invigorating."

No kidding. Okay, um, the first thing you need to know as a human is how to eat and breathe. Those are both really important for life, but you should not try to do them at the same time.

[ARADIA IS HELPFUL TEACHER?????]

[NO. Well, maybe. Wheatley can be a horrible student.]

"I gathered that. Um, let's see... I, well at least I tasted it. It- it well, it tastes pretty... um, strange actually. Good? G-good? I guess, I can't explain it but I may want more of it."

[A short laugh sneaks out of her.]

It's good stuff. I can't see why John doesn't like it. [But that's off topic! She picks up the fork and a small bite of cake with it.] I'll show you how it's done. Watch closely. [chomp. she chews her bite very deliberately, then swallows.]

[He watches her, his eyes suddenly light up. He's watching her. Oh... oh he sees her. He's shivering intensely, a beat of sweat falls down his forehead, his pupils are focused. He can do this. He nods a few times]

"Yes, yes. Alright. Chew chew chew swallow. Alright, I've got it. Ive got it, okay now... ahem! Let's begin."

[He grabs the fork and basically does EXACTLY what she does. There seems to be a little struggling in the chewing and swallowing, but he manages to get it down after a series of wretched coughing and hacking]

"...Oh... oh... uh... [clears through] well, that's... that's actually, strangely satisfying. Like- like, like a... well, I can't quite thing of anything that can describe it. It's like being electrocuted.B-but in a good way."

[Aradia smiles approvingly and nods.] That's one way of putting it! Robots run on electricity, humans run on food... well, that's not the best analogy. It's more like fuel, only if you don't refuel every so often, you don't stop working, you just ... die.

Okay all of those analogies are terrible. But you see what I'm getting at?

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